Hey I got this road bike, I should ride it on the dirt. That would be fun and scary and stupid. Let’s all do it…. Then it became a thing, let’s get new frames with better clearance. Let’s put 40mm tires on. How about a 50 tooth cassette and no pesky front derailleur to break. Let’s add a suspension fork. Ok now how about a rear suspension and some flat bars?
Or maybe, just maybe, remember why this was fun in the first place. We do these things not because they are easy, but because we know they are stupid.
Let’s dial this back to when tires were skinny and the Oasis was, … uh…. curvy. The category was announced, Road Bike, 2x drive train, drop bars and max 28mm tires. Hey Andy Brightman, we should do this…. And then MMX revealed that Wildeman Wilderness aka Pamo Truck trail was on the course. Oh FCK me. I can do PTT on my road bike with 32mm tires with a lot of effort and brain power, but 28 would be pushing it. So Andy and I went out and did the Pamo loop on 38mm tires with “28mm eyes” and I said maaaaybe, and Andy the rational one said “no, that’s just stupid and irresponsible” He was right. Fortunately the forest service saved me from a truly bad life decision and yanked the permissions for that sector. I mean I GUESS a helicopter basket dangle rescue is maybe over the line. Then it was ON.
The week before the event I did some science, yo. Three days in a row I rode the same 16 mile half pavement, half dirt segment on 32mm, 30mm and 28mm, and yep the 28s were the fastest, and also the dumbest, scariest, most painful and most fun. I decided that the tires needed to be the ones my Roadie husband runs, 28mm ContiGP5000, yeah that’s right Nick, imma do Waffle on YOUR tires. Then six days before I got it in my head that it should be a full road set up, pedals and shoes too, even though not specified in the rules. I rarely ride road, so the pedal anxiety was real. I dug around in the garage and found an unused top end fancy-ass set of road pedals, dug more and found the lighter tension blades, watched a YouTube….don’t over tighten the the screw, I overtightened the screw, snap. Shit. Dug MORE in the garage found an old decrepit set of pedals hoarded by Nick and salvaged the needed bolt and screw. “SEE!” He snarks with the vindicated smugness of the meme dad who keeps all the old cables.
So there I was, start line up…. Wait… are you KIDDING ME?!?!? I get a call up?? Dave Towle announces I’m the woman with the most ever full Waffle finishes and I get to roll out at the front of the pack! Yup just me, both the Andys, Brightman and McClure, Pete, Alejandro, Sophia, Izzy and all the other pros…. Yee came to see us off and asked if I was going for the hole shot, I think I’ll just put my head down and close my eyes until roll out is over. We looked around at all the pro’s and other lean, fast monsters around us and not a 28 slick in sight. We chatted about the absence of skinny road tires and then Andy says “don’t turn around” so of course I do. What I thought I heard Andy say next was “We just pissed in his water bottle” as in “who pissed in your cheerios?” I thought we had offended someone with our 28mm tire swagger. No, dude right behind me literally was pissing in his water bottle. Start line penis was not on my bingo card.
My Garmin chirps with a text from Nick, I see “you’re hot like….” so I get out my phone to see the rest of it… “you’re hot……. Like this pan” I HAD LEFT THE STOVE ON. Cool. I guess I was fairly close to finishing my 14th BWR on the same day I burned our house down. Ok nice, and wow am I glad he didn’t drive me to the start.
Roll out was fine, I just eased my way to the right and did in fact keep my eyes open, riding a solid brisk pace for me up to the top of Twin Oaks. I got down Questhaven dirt safely with the melee of riders stopping, flatting, crashing. I ride a far left line in the grass on purpose, a woman next to me screams thinking I’m about to crash and take her with me. I’m fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. Wait is that Valverde stopped? Fine, we are all fine.
I rolled with two bottles full of high carb mix, my usual is one carb, one high salt bottle. Once before I had done two carb bottles at the start of an event, Filthy 50, and cramped badly 90 min in. I thought it was because I was on a MTB and dressed as a mummy (for real, a mummy, not metaphorical). Turns out I need salt. I was totally fine until the Lake Drive rock garden dismount and then my whole lower body seized up. Victor Sheldon was there, and normally I would have been chattier and nicer, but I could barely walk and was horrified to be cramping at mile 30. So I pounded some salt tabs, stood there for 30 seconds or so and started soft pedaling to Hodges, trying to find the right cadence to let this pass.
Dude on a MTB with his kid in tow passed me on a downhill, I followed behind them for most of Hodges. Normally I would have just gunned it and HOME DIRT passed them, I don’t love being around any kind of tandem set up, but worried my legs would seize up, so there I was listening to the squeaky toy on his handlebars and hearing him tell her how great a job she was doing…. Gotta be honest, dude was getting a great work out, she was for sure not pulling her weight. Ok fine, she was like 8. I’ll cut her some slack. I watched them in morbid fascination until the off-camber DG corner before the bridge, and sure enough dude and kid crashed right in front of me. I did a split second assessment of the situation, kid was just sitting there in the dirt and not even crying. She looked more annoyed than anything… so I didn’t stop. Yup. Hey man, I’m an ICU doc, one thing I know is sick/not sick. Not sick. Peace out, Girl Scout, I’m off to Mule.
Salt digested, legs back, I pass a Velonuts cheering squad, cowbells and lots of my name screamed, so awesome. Spirits high, Mule and flats to Raptor were super fun on the Roadie set up. Up raptor was an on-foot conga line as predicted, so my inability to ride up it on 28s didn’t matter, plus getting in and out of the road pedals was no problem. Then the descent, this was going to be the scariest 50 feet of the day. That first bit and the first sand over rock right hand corner on 28s is fairly terrifying. I managed it and rode down the rest of it without dying. A patient gentleman stayed behind me despite my offers to let him pass. At the base he says “I can tell you’re not a mountain biker” I laugh and manage not to scream “CAN YOU ALSO TELL I’M ON GP5000s?” I instead manage a polite “You’re correct, I’m not! And I’m also on 28 slicks. Thank you for your patience! Have a great ride!”
I blip down to the aid station at mile 43 to find Mr. Brightman waiting for me. This is basically why I have any sort of a training plan, be fast enough to be within the “Andy will wait for me” window.
We find a nice little group up Bandy, and there’s lots to look at. I note the two guys in front of me, fast and lean, not sure why they are at my pace, and I notice how great the combination of colors of their bikes, hair, kits all look together, browns and purples and mauves like a Behr color decor card at Home Depot. I’m sure they’d be horrified that was running through my mind. Then another cheerful dude pedals by looking like a bear ripped his kit and his ass cheek. Not actively bleeding and in good spirits. ICU doc brain sick/not sick? Not sick. Then Yee appears again, he’s riding repeats up Bandy and saying hi to friends.
The trip up Highland Valley Road is fine, legs are good, we chat calmly and then towards the top on one of the steepest pitches see the solo leader Matthew Beers FLYING down. I see Dan Hughes out the top of the follow car and wave, he screams CASEY!!! And I can hear a fair amount of stress in his voice and I realize, wait a second. That’s a world tour level cyclist on a technical descent, and that’s a jeep and it’s NOT driven by Valtteri Bottas on his day job. THIS is the crossover episode gravel cycling needs. Bottas driving the lead car.
We get out to Pamo Valley with no drama. I had not pre-ridden any of this part in this direction. I’ve gone the opposite way plenty of times so I knew the steep pavement was very cracked and sketchy, I took my time down. Some of this new to me single track did not go well on these tires on a few steeps, but whatever, I have feet. I clip back in at the top of a pitch and see two horses galloping on the trail ahead of us. I start pedaling carefully, and hear some riders come up behind me. “Do you want to get around me?” …. “Uh, nah. I’m good” and his friend laughs at him. “I’m not about to catch the horse” That’s how slow I was going, not passing me was laughable. Oh well. Another steep pitch, and my tires slip, I dismount and they pass. Turns out it was the Behr color chart guys. They were cool and funny, style and vibes.
We chill up the Pamo climb, and by chill I mean roast, my Garmin was reading 102 degrees. We chat with Ed Philbrick, he’s looking a little rough, but I know he will be ok. Sick/not sick? Not sick, so we leave him for dead. We come up to a girl who asks us as we are climbing “Is this Double Peak?” Oh, no friend, this is Pamo, and you’re in for a rude awakening later.
A little group coalesces in Heisenberg forest and I mentally prepare for what was the worst part of my day last year, the false flat headwinds of the 67 and HVR flats. We have a group, so this might not be so bad. We turn right onto the 67 and they are going too hard for me. This is bad. Very bad, wait, hang on, maybe they’ll gas out when we turn right straight into the wind, put your head down, scream internally keep pedaling and PHEW, YES, two min later I can hang on. Six of us trade pulls into the wind and we get to the top of HVR a full ten minutes faster than I did last year. Thank you new friends!
Time for HOME PAVEMENT. I love this descent, and hey! Tell your friends! Road bikes with road tires go faster on the road that not road bikes with not road tires. Can you fcking believe it?? Got down safely but quickly, one of my best times, paused to scream FUCK YEAH PIG at my friend the Bandy/HVR Hog. He didn’t react but the donkeys were for sure annoyed. At the bottom we hit Highland Valley Trail and Andy says, can you please not HOME DIRT this. Yes, I swear, I promise no HOME DIRT riding, I will be chill. We stopped and I ate a bag of Cheetos, these are zen Cheetos, I shall ride Zen… have I told you the joke about the guy who spends all his time eating Cheetos and watching pornos? Another time.
A group of dudes wearing orange camouflage kits pass us on Hodges and we watch them make a wrong turn onto the Whoops and Dead Man’s Drop section, Andy yells but they don’t hear him. We come around the other side and don’t see them (for reference, the Whoops, if it all goes well is quicker than the way we were riding). Hmmm “They’re probably dead” Andy says. We get to the lake drive dismount spot and they camo guys reappear. I say “Dude! You guys took a wrong turn and ended up on some gnarly stuff”…. “Yeah, we learned some things about ourselves.” Dying, just dying.
We head into the last 18 miles, and I gotta say, road tires are soooo nice. This part of the day from Del Dios to the top of Double Peak is always super hard, but not carrying more bike and tires than you need is so luxurious 7.5 hours in. We get to the Del Dios/Via Rancho stoplight and I see the orange camo guys pulled over, one of them cramping. I scramble to find my last two salt tabs in a baggie. I pedal by slowly and yell “YOU WANT SOME SALT” and miss the hand off to the first guy, “YES PLEASE” he says as I miss the hand off to the second guy. I GOT IT I GOT IT yells the third guy and I finally connect with him and pedal away. Andy stops at Questhaven to make a quick reel with Scalar Wheels. I drink some coke and keep going. Andy and then the camo guys catch us and he tells me the salt worked! Yay! I am stoked.
We get to double peak in a chill fashion, Nick is there flying the drone so I get to scream a HI BABE as we creep by. Now the focus is just don’t crash, and don’t fcking flat. I’m four miles from “winning” the 50+ women’s Triple Crown (I was the only contestant) and I’m not letting these GP5000s take me out now. I rode the Double Peak dirt descent like a freaking field mouse, both of us making fake PITCHHIOOOOOO puncture sounds to mess with each other. We kick the tires before the last screaming fast descent down Twin Oaks and the finish line.
MMX, Terry Ford, Dan Hughes and so many friends there at the finish line to greet us. What a great day. GOOD VIBES ONLY ….. DON’T TELL ME WHAT KIND OF VIBES TO HAVE! But for real, this has to be the most positive BWR I’ve ever experienced. The rider enthusiasm all around us all day was great, this is the whole point. I like to think of myself as being a representation of the BWR Everyman, the Proletariat if you will (with a Canyon Ultimate Evo with Zipps in her Plaid parked on her turquoise and purple epoxy floor, I know, I know, shut up). But anyway, the day starting with that call up felt like a recognition of those of us who have helped grow this branch of our sport. Yeah, It’s cool that pros are into this now, but never forget the huddled masses in their Teslas. The vast majority of us are never going to be truly fast, so focusing on making it fun is my move, and the road bike set up was a great way to do that.
We do these things not because they are easy, but because they are stupid. My Bourgeoise ass is going to get a massage now. – Roadie McRoadface, Out.
Source Endurance coaching – Thank you for making this possible despite my limited riding.
Waffle Bike: Canyon Ultimate Evo disc with SRAM road 2x AXS with a 10-36 Squeezed in there. Tires Continental GP5000 28mm
Strava File https://www.strava.com/activities/11287540879
NoFcks Given Gravel 